because I couldn’t help myself.
Scene opens on a typical city bar at night. There’s a crowd of 30-something urban professionals. Zoom on blonde woman seated on barstool. A man approaches.
Man: “Hey, baby. Let’s have sex.”
Woman: “My name isn’t baby, and what happened to buying me a drink first?”
Man: “Didn’t you get the new notes? We don’t banter. We don’t get to know each other. We just do it.”
Woman: “There was a last-minute change? Dammit. Okay, well, we can wing it. Skip the banter, check. What’s my motivation in this scene?”
Man: “That was one of the changes. We don’t need motivation. Apparently breathing is enough.”
Woman: “Ewwww. Have you seen some of the guys around here who are breathing? I’m not supposed to do ALL of them, am I?”
Man: “I get you, but we’re wasting paper here. We have to have sex in chapter one, so how about getting naked?”
Woman: “Are you sure you’re breathing? When did a vampire get written in?”
Man: “Okay, fine, you outted me, I don’t breathe anymore. But other than that, I’m a regular guy. Feel free to get naked now. Or I could help.”
Woman: “Maybe you should just go hang out with Jake and I’ll take care of the sex scene by myself.”
*just to clarify, I’m very grateful that St. Martin’s, Samhain and Ellora’s Cave are all about quality stories! And I’m really hoping that the message AK is talking about is misunderstood, because I really can’t imagine the above parody is what any editor wants.*
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