We haven’t slept for days and blame the mattress from hell. The foam top we put on it when it was only as hard as a board and not cursed by demons fell off the moving truck somehow. Somewhere a mover is sleeping peacefully on it and I hope he dies in his sleep.

We could put another foam top on the box of satanic springs but as my husband pointed out, that wouldn’t stop it from groaning every time either of us moved.

It’s hard to solve a problem like this mattress when you can’t think because it keeps you awake all night. But I think the answer might be to throw it out the window and set it on fire, dance around the flames, have the ground blessed afterwards, and go buy something that won’t creak, groan, heave up like a New England road after a hard winter, and twist your spine in ways even a yogi can’t untwist.

I need a new mattress. And somewhere, a deep-sleeping mover who broke the mattress and stole the memory foam pad needs killing.